Review of New Moon
But this… this went completely above and beyond in terms of bad. This is not a movie, this is the equivalent of Hitler and the Devil having a baby and then letting that little anti-christ force the damned souls of hell to perform a homoerotic, soft-core porno aimed for children.
On a side note, I’m really getting creative with my punchlines. A little more training and I can start to use a running joke in my reviews, perhaps something involving bunnies and sodomy. That at least would be more entertaining than Stephene Meyer.
While watching New Moon something hit my mind: This is not supposed to be a vampire-love story. No, this is something in the terms of Omen 5. Do you want to know why? Because Bella Swan is the most egotistical bitch I’ve ever seen. I’m serious; I’ve never seen such disgusting behavior from a teenager in my life. Let me explain:
The story goes as such: It is Bella’s birthday, and she is celebrating it at her boyfriends’ house. Suddenly, she gets a papercut and blood falls on the ground, triggering one of the younger vampires in the family to promptly attack Bella. Edward, being the overly protective boyfriend that he is, throws Bella into a wall. We are supposed to believe that he did this so that he could get her out of harms way, but I’m thinking that there is a more passive-aggressive reason, possibly involving the fact that Bella is constantly worrying Edward with the fact that she wants to become a vampire.
This incident serves as proof for Edward that his relationship with Bella is a threat against her safety, and decides to leave with his family. Of course, instead of telling Bella the truth, he lies to her, saying that he doesn’t want her. Things don’t go as smooth as I think Edward had hoped for, because Bella is extremely thick and couldn’t take a hint even if it was poking her nose.
Sufficient to say, Bella goes emo, and spends 3 months, yes, 3 whole months, doing nothing but sitting in front of her window and looking depressed. Every night she has nightmares and screams uncontrollably until her father wakes her up. Eventually, she becomes an adrenaline junkie, since she can see hallucinations of Edward when she gets a “kick”. There is a word for that… Oh yeah, Bella is clinically insane!
I’ll avoid going over to many plot points, but from this point on, Bella really shows her colors. Her friend Jacob tries to help her get better, while at the same time trying to establish a romantic relationship with her, but she doesn’t tell him the truth that she is in love with Edward and nobody else. She teases him, plays with his feelings. She runs away from home and does crazy stunts, but neglects her worried father. She is the most self-centered person in cinematic history. She doesn’t even stop to think about others feelings, or their motivations, she just cares about herself. And all the while we are supposed to feel sorry for her, because she is missing Edward.
All this time, Twilight has tried to sell us the fact that these two are the perfect couple, and yet Edward is never open or true with Bella, always speaking in riddles and constantly makes her worried without being supportive or reassuring, and Bella cares for nobody but herself, as she is constantly hurting peoples feelings, and sometimes even risking the life of others, only for her own selfish gain. I can sense no romance at all other than pure physical attraction, and even that doesn’t make sense, because Edward doesn’t seem at all interested at having sex with Bella, going so far as to seem repulsed at the fact that she wants a kiss from him in one scene.
The story is bad, the actors are bad, the music is really bad, but nothing compares to how incredibly bad the characters personalities are. If this was a story about how teenage couples think that they find love at first sight so early, when they are clearly blinded by the fact that they know nothing about love, then maybe Twilight would be better. But I know how the saga ends. You know how? Everything turns out OK! Nobody has his or her feelings hurt, nobody is left sad and depressed, the whole saga ends with some kind of “happily ever after” ending.
Twilight could’ve been a well written, heartbreaking story about how mystery and magic clouds the mind from seeing reality, this movie could’ve made me cry if it had been done properly, if it had been a depressing drama with an ending that left nobody satisfied but was still good and plausible. As it stands, this is a misinterpretation of how love works; it gives promises of eternal happiness without going over the sadness that should be present. Anyone who can relate to Bella does not deserve love, anyone who thinks this is well written and a good love story needs a lecture in literature, philosophy, and perhaps a lobotomy, and to anybody that tries to argue with me on this topic, I say to you this:
You know deep down Twilight is bad. You know that you deserve a much better story than this. You love Twilight because you love the concept of a vampire-romance, not because of the story itself. I pity you for letting Twilight cloud your judgment on what is good and what isn’t, and I hope that, one day, you’ll be able to admit that maybe this series isn’t as good as you’ve come to think it is.
My argument on the quality of the Twilight saga goes above the simple statement of personal taste, does yours?
Review of Zombieland
Well lo and behold, a movie I actually enjoyed watching! Here I was, thinking that life would be so much more enjoyable if I only took a flamethrower to the assholes at Hollywood, when this golden nugget appears from the smelly dung that pester today’s cinema and gently brushes its shiny balls against my cheek (metaphorically speaking of course, otherwise that would be gay). What movie broke all the rules about not being fun, original and, most importantly, good? None other than “Zombieland”!
The premise sounds awful at first glance. Another Zombie-movie? Please, they haven’t been good since “Dawn of the Dead”, why not do something more fun, like robots fighting! That should be impossible to screw up (epic reference to the Transformers review).
But Zombieland is strangely original, in a way I don’t think many people would expect from a Zombie-film. It has a large focus on character development rather than only wanting to show people getting eaten by Zombies, and it has a certain charm that many movies miss out on. It’s impressive, especially for a movie with a rather small budget compared to its Hollywood brethrens. Lets go into detail, shall we?
The movie doesn’t delve into plot exposition that much, which is a good thing, because background stories to Zombie movies are always the same; Science experiment goes wrong and people turn into Zombies. In Zombieland, the only real explanation we get for why there is a Zombie outbreak is because apparently someone ate a bad hamburger. I guess all the vegetarians in the world are really smug about the fact that McDonald’s turns you into Zombies. But those hippies can’t run that fast anyway, so we’ll surely see many of them running around together with the rest of the Zombie hordes.
The protagonists in our story are as follows: College student Columbus, played by Jesse Eisenberg, who is on his way home to the city with the same name. He is our main lead in this film, and also serves as the narrator. Columbus is “special”, and by that I mean that he has several different phobias, which are the sole reasons as to how he has been able to survive for so long. In his cautiousness he has been able to create a special set of rules on how to survive. The rules are featured in a very comical and effective way, which I don’t think I can describe good enough to do the movie justice, so you will have to take my word for it when I say that it’s handled excellent, a word I don’t normally use to describe things in movies that often nowadays.
We then have the really awesome Tallahassee, played by Woody Harrelson, a badass cowboy that has survived for so long thanks to his undeniable skills in killing Zombies. Tallahassee’s one and only motivation throughout the movie is looking for the last Twinkie on earth, and he is desperate to find it, since all the Twinkies in the world will eventually expire and become uneatable. He is depicted as an action hero of sorts, constantly mowing down Zombies in an effective and often hilarious manner. He is probably the best character in the whole movie, and this is by far Woody Harrelson’s greatest performance ever.
And then comes the stereotypical double duo of the independent girls in the movie, set on completing their goals without the help from anyone else. These ladies, named Whichita, played by Emma Stone, and Little Rock, played by Abigail Breslin, are both pretty generic when it comes to female protagonists in a movie. But unlike most other movies, I grew found of them. Little Rock is a barely twelve-year-old kid, whose only wish is to play at the apparently Zombie-free amusement park “Pacific Playland”. Her older sister, about the same age as Columbus (Guess which two protagonists hook up in the end. If you said Tallahassee and Little Rock, you’re sick) wants to grant her little sisters wish, and so they are going there together.
There’s not much to say about the story. Not because there is no story, but because the movie is not about story, it’s about the characters. There is no super evil corporation behind the Zombies, there is no government conspiracy and there is no Milla Jovovich. It’s just these four characters and their journey through Zombieland. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s a very charming movie, polished and pure. It’s not a cheap cash-in on Zombies, and it’s not a mindless Hollywood blockbuster. It’s a fun tail about a group of people going around, kicking Zombie-ass all day long. It’s not a masterpiece in the way that Citizen Kayne was a masterpiece, but it’s the greatest example I’ve ever seen on how sometimes, a movie doesn’t have to be idiotic to be funny. I strongly recommend it, and you should go see it in theaters before they pull it so that they can have more showings of “New Moon”.
Review of Hannah Montana the movie
I’ve been thinking about something for quite some time. Is it possible that one could be both a sadist and a masochist? I know it sounds really weird out of context, but just think about it. I subject myself to all these shitty things all the time, so clearly I find some kind of sick pleasure in this self-torture. The question is, do I enjoy the fact that I make someone suffer at my hand (that someone being me) or is it the pain that turns me on? It is a curse I have to bare… Not the sadistic/masochistic behavior mind you, I just hate it when I have questions that need answers nobody has a clue about.
With all that said… Hannah Montana the movie.
I hate musicals aimed for kids. They always suck nowadays. They didn’t always suck of course, since Disney did a good job on making catchy tunes to their heartbreaking movies that traumatized me as a kid. Although I never understood why people though the death of Mufasa was sad. Maybe it was because I was cheering for Scar during the whole movie. Parents, if your children are supporting a movies interpretation of the third Reich, seek help immediately.
Adult musicals tend to be better though. Movies like “Sweeney Todd” and “Grease” are just two examples of the massive amounts of great musicals aimed for adults. Like “West Side Story”, “The sound of music” or… uhm… “Tenacious D and the pick of Destiny”? ... OK, so maybe there aren’t a lot of great musicals, but shut up, I’m trying to make a point.
Hannah Montana is not a musical. A musical is where you tell a tale through music, with song and dancing taking the place of the regular acting you see in most movies. However, in Hannah Montana, all the songs are … well, they are just songs. They have no importance to the plot whatsoever and are just there so that fans of Hannah Montana can get their daily dosage of shitty pop-music. Also, am I the only one who hates it when a person is supposed to be performing live in a movie but is really just miming to a recording? Because that happens a lot in this movie. To hell with it, I’m just nitpicking anyway.
I don’t need to go over the story in that much detail, because it’s pretty easy to follow. What happens is that Hannah Montana is a really spoiled bitch (and I mean REALLY spoiled) and her father forces her to go with him and her brother to some place south. I didn’t really pay that much attention; I think it was Tennessee or something. As you can guess, she finds a hot boy she likes, she learns that being a spoiled brat is the wrong way to live and everything turns out great in the end. Except it doesn’t! When this movie was finally over I felt violated. This hurt more than getting raped in the ass by 3 big black convicts… not that I would know how that would feel or anything… Fuck you.
How come Hannah Montana is such a bitch in this movie? Since it’s obviously taking place after the first season of the TV-series, this would mean that Hannah has always been a huge cunt, which I sincerely doubt. It’s called consistency, movie, you should try it out sometime.
It pains me to see how low Disney has sunken. They are basically telling kids how they should live their lives, how they should dress and what they should like. And when they aren’t making conformist out of the little bastards they are making straight-to-DVD sequels to much better movies. You want to know something Disney? Pixar is much better than you. They have better stories, better animation, better EVERYTHING!
Hannah Montana the movie is very unoriginal. It brings nothing we haven’t seen before, the moral of the story is already overused and has been handled better, and it is such an obvious a cash-in on the inane show on Disney Channel that it makes me want to eat giraffe stool. I don’t know why I chose to review this; we all know it’s shit. Crap, now I’m watching shit for shit’s sake. That is not the right way to live! I must review something positive so that I won’t indulge too much in shit and become a psycho. All right, I’ll review something good now! Let’s see… Oh, I’ve got it, I’ll review Coca Cola.
Coca Cola is fucking awesome and it ruined my life by being so tasty that I’ve become addicted to it. FUCK YOU COCA COLA!
There, that should keep me sane.
Review of American Psycho 2: All American Girl
Like it or not, but American Psycho was an awesome film, there is no doubt about it. It featured Christian Bale playing a young and rich man forced to fight with everyday problems, such as competition in the work place, having relationship issues, and of course the occasional slaughtering of a homeless person.
Yeah, on paper American Psycho seems like your everyday slasher film. But there are many things about this movie that makes it rise above the mindless filth that only attracts Ritalin-junkies and bloodthirsty teenagers who thinks it’s adult to swear every sentence. For once, it contains some of the most delicious satire I’ve experienced in quite a while, with the main character Patrik Bateman being an hilarious parody of the snobbish yuppie that was so common during the 80’s. The way he obsesses over things like how he wants the perfect business card, or the ridiculous amount of different conditioners and herbs he uses during his morning shower is so entertaining that you could probably cut out all the murdering from the script and it would still work as a great movie.
But here is where the film truly shines. The disturbingly quick transactions between snob and psychopath are incredibly well handled, making Bateman a very unpredictable and fascinating character. It also calls for some hilarious moments, like for example a scene where Patrik is examining the apartment of his recently murdered colleague Paul Allen, when suddenly he narrates to us: “There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.” This sudden inner monologue always makes me smile.
But we’re not here to talk about a good movie! We’re here to bash on one of the worst sequels to ever blight the universe! The direct-to-DVD abomination known as… American Psycho 2: All American Girl.
It’s hard to believe that something like this was even made. I mean, you’ve all seen a bad sequel; the majority of sequels tend to be inferior to the original. But this film is not only incredibly stupid; it’s actually so awful that it ruins American Psycho. And would you like to guess how fast it takes for this movie to completely destroy the whole ending to American Psycho? A minute. There should be some kind of record for that sort of thing.
Now, before we start to go over the story to American Psycho 2, those of you who haven’t seen American Psycho will need some plot exposition. This will contain spoilers, so if you want to see American Psycho someday then I suggest that you skip the four next paragraphs.
The ending to American Psycho was a very shocking plot twist, as it turned out that all the murders that Patrik had committed during the film maybe never took place. As Patrik is confronted with the fact that his perception of reality is flawed, the movie ends. Much like in the movie Blade Runner, the questions that go unanswered are up to us to solve. It’s a clever ending that leaves the audience satisfied but still curious about what really happened.
However, some questions should remain unanswered, as is the case with American Psycho. But of course there will always be some inconsiderate bastard who cares more about making money of a successful film rather than respect it. And so American Psycho 2 was born. The strange thing is that for a sequel, it has almost nothing related to the original movie. The only thing connecting them is the title and the first 5 minutes. And that’s all it takes to run a great movie in the ground.
American Psycho 2 starts of with Patrik Bateman from the first film (not played by Christian Bale, but instead by some no-name actor) murdering the babysitter of twelve-year-old Rachael Newman. But Rachael manages to stab Bateman with an ice pick, instantly killing him.
Do you see what I meant by saying that this movie destroyed the original American Psycho? Not only is the entire plot twist ending of the first movie rendered completely pointless in this scene, but it’s all so badly executed that it’s unbelievable. There is no explanation as to why Patrik Bateman is there, nor do they give any information about it afterwards either. We see that Bateman is there, then Rachael kills him, and it cuts to several years later where Rachael is going to college. If the first 5 minutes of the movie where cut out, it would have nothing to do with American Psycho.
Otherwise, it’s a very unoriginal and boring movie, and the murders aren’t at all entertaining. The movie also tries to be smart by including not one, but two plot twist, both involving a change in identity. And both are also incredibly stupid, and make no sense at all. Also, if destroying American Psycho just wasn’t enough, the movie stars Jackie from “That 70’s show” as the murderer, and William Shatner as the FBI detective trying to figure out was going on. Now, I don’t care about what Jackie does with her free time, but why would you want to do this to Shatner? Why destroy the last respect I had for the guy? It’s like this movie exists for the sole purpose of making me pissed. And it’s working.
I should probably just judge this as a stand-alone film, and by that comparison, it’s pretty generic as a slasher film. There are better and there are worse. But I still hate it more than I hate the Republican Party, if only because it manages to make a good movie a little worse. And when bad movies start to affect good movies, someone has to intervene before all hell breaks out. Fortunately I know a good anti-repellant for these kinds of things. All I need is some matches, a bathtub, and lots and lots of napalm.
REVIEW OF TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
Review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Ooh, my fingers are shaking with excitement. I’m even having troubles with keeping myself from laughing maniacally as I think of the pain I’m going to deal out to this movie. T: RotF may very well be the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s worse than Eragon and Twilight, it’s worse than the Star Wars prequels, and in some aspects it’s even worse than Turkish Star Wars, another extremely painful film to watch. But at least I could pause Turkish Star Wars. I saw RotF at the cinema, something I regret greatly. I hated every second of it, and considering that the movie has a running time off an astonishing 149 minutes, that’s a lot of hate. But now I finally have the chance to ventilate all this rage built up within me. I’m going to enjoy this…
Michael Bay is a horrible director. Maybe his movies aren’t as bad as Ed Wood’s or Uwe Boll’s, but I hate them the most because even though they are awful they are also very successful, as every movie Michael Bay makes is instantly a summer block busters. Going back to my Twilight review, I felt that the series could be summarized with one single word, in Twilight’s case being marketable. That method of description also applies to Michael Bay, as I have a word that can describe every single movie he makes: Kaboom. That’s basically Michael Bay in a nutshell, because the only thing that makes his movies even remotely entertaining is the way he uses his budget to make pretty explosions with CGI. First of all, I’m not a big fan of CGI. I like the use of practical effects, as it always makes a movie more believable, at least if it’s done correctly. It worked for the old movies, like the Indiana Jones or James Bond movies, and even films like Star Wars or Blade Runner relied on practical effects a lot. What I’m saying is that practical effects never look out-dated, while CGI is constantly evolving, making what we thought was unbelievable 5 years ago look like a videogame from the 80s compared to today’s standards. Quentin Tarantino is probably the only big-name director still embracing the use of practical effects, which is why he is one of my favorites.
But enough about the art of making movies, we’re here to tear Michael Bay a new asshole. This could prove to be quite difficult as almost every critic in the world has a personal grudge against Bay, and are more than willing to give him a bashing. But screw those guy’s, you are here for my review, not some smug critic doing reviews for a local newspaper.
It’s a shame that I’ve already established that I do my best to be a professional critic, because the easiest way to do a review of RotF is just to type “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen sucks” and then copy-paste 100 times. And true, that would be more entertaining than the movie itself, but if I did reviews with that kind of quality then you wouldn’t really be very interested in reading them, would you?
RotF shouldn’t suck. Of course it is inevitable that it’s going to be a horrible movie, but movies doesn’t have to be bad to be awesome. Do you watch Bruce Lee movies for the acting or for the pleasure of seeing the greatest martial artist ever kill a man with a single punch? Do you like the Evil Dead movies for their story or is it because Bruce Campbell has a chainsaw for a hand? My point is that a movie about giant robots fighting should be impossible to mess up. The premise is right there: Robots blow shit up. Well, the keyword here is “should”. It should be impossible to mess up, but Michael Bay does it anyway, because he’s Michael Bay.
The movie starts off with the military closing in on a couple of Decepticons that are supposedly hiding in Shanghai. For those of you who don’t know, Decepticons are the bad guys. The military prove to be completely useless as all they have are machineguns, which they intend to use on a 20-story tall robot. Brilliant strategy there, Patton. In a matter of seconds the military fall flat on its ass and the big bad robot escapes. I can clearly see why America is so confident in its army.
We then cut away to a car chase, and I’m not lying here when I say that I have no idea of who’s a bad guy and who isn’t. In no way is there any establishment on who I’m supposed to cheer for, and instead of finding the scene exiting and awesome I’m busy trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. Apparently the cool-looking car is the bad guy, because he gets killed of in a very emasculating way and everyone seems happy about it.
The 20-story tall robot we saw before is now causing havoc on a highway road, killing tons of innocent civilians, when Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, swoops in to save the day. He does a spectacularly crappy job with stopping his enemy, and after more people kick the bucket the robot is finally stopped. But before he dies he tells the Autobots that “The Fallen will rise again”, but Optimus shoots him in the face so we don’t get to know anything about who the Fallen is or when he will rise again. Smart thinking, Optimus, kill the enemy instead of interrogating them on the impending threat that has the potential of ending all existence. I can see why you are the leader of the Autobots.
The Autobots goes back to a military base, where we get to know some of the robots a little more. And I normally wouldn’t be against characterization of individuals in movies, but Michael Bay has brought in a pair of robots that make Jar Jar Binks seem completely normal. Skids and Mudflap, two twin robots, are supposed to be the black stereotypes of this movie, and they are probably the most racist characters I have ever seen in cinemas. They are stupid, they are loud, they talk in really stupid street-slang, they make really dumb jokes that would make the show “Yo momma” look sophisticated, and they fight each other at the slightest provocation. I wouldn’t mind this as much if it was satirical, but this isn’t satire. This is just childish humor that will only appeal to the young idiots watching this movie. And the fact that it’s going to work since little kids are the targeted audience for this movie makes me mad.
Now it’s time for another stereotype! This time it’s the annoying and surprisingly stupid and naïve man who represents the president! And of course he won’t listen to anything the army or the Autobots say because he thinks that the threat from the Decepticons is because of the Autobots. And so he wants the Autobots to leave. Optimus points out that this is extremely stupid because if he’s wrong then humanity is fucked. Which should be totally obvious to almost anyone, but since this is a stereotypic character we can’t let him be smart. I even think that Obama is said to be hiding in a bunker somewhere during this movie. Don’t we just have a great president?
Now comes the worst part of the Transformers story: The side-plot with the humans. This movie could be so much better if you just excluded all the human characters and put in more robots fighting. Sam Witwicky, played by the incredibly annoying Shia LaBeouf, is once again the main character of the story, and as always I can’t stand him. How can this jerk be famous? Anyway, Sam is preparing to start college, an incredible inane sub-plot that ultimately leads nowhere. His mother is constantly crying over how she isn’t going to meet her son for a couple of months. Jesus, lady, get yourself together. I know it’s hard to be separated from your kid, but you don’t have to break down in tears over his baby-shoes. The father is at least more stable than the mother, but I can’t stand him either because he’s such a stereotypical dad that it’s insulting. Is all Michael Bay can deal with stereotypes?
While the two dogs the family owns are humping one another (and I have no idea of how Bay could find this funny), Sam finds a splinter from the AllSpark, the magic cube that creates robots and was the antagonist’s point of interest in the first movie. When he touches it a wave of strange symbols fills his mind, and he drops it. The splinter then proceeds to melt through the wooden floor of Sam’s room and land on a counter in the kitchen. And what follows is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever experienced: All the electronic kitchen appliances turn into crazy, murderous robots with guns. How is that possible? Why would a microwave turn into a hell spawn of Satan, armed with a penis that shoots lasers? Yes, you read that right. A microwave turns into a robot with a penis that shoots lasers. RotF has now lost what little chance it had to be awesome. Even if it had a fight between Jesus and Buddha it wouldn’t be enough to make up for this.
But Sam’s faithful robot/dog Bumblebee saves the day by killing all the evil robots and blowing up half the building. Some would call that overkill, but I say it was necessary to ensure that the penis-robot wouldn’t survive. The government is quick to the scene and manages to cover everything up. Really? The house isn’t really on the outskirts of the city; it’s in what seems like a well-populated neighborhood. Are you telling me that there wasn’t a single person who noticed a giant robot destroying the building? Soon you’ll tell me that they managed to cover up the incident in Shanghai as well.
Oh wait, they did. You’re pushing it movie. I’m not going to stand for this much longer.
While the situation is under control, Sam starts to talk to Bumblebee about how he can’t follow him to college, because freshmen aren’t allowed to have cars. That sounds an awful lot like dumb scriptwriting to keep Bumblebee away from the college so that there will be more suspense when Sam is inevitably targeted by the Decepticons. To top it all of, Bumblebee starts to cry over this. Why is the super-advanced robot leaking fluids? In the first movie it was a substance acting as urine, now the big piece of junk cries? Even if you where to counter with “They are super-advanced robots, they have probably developed human feelings” I would still call it bullshit, because robots don’t need to produce tears in the first place! It’s called being subtle, Michael. Next time, try to emote sadness with body language instead of making a fucking robot cry. Then again, Bay’s movie can probably make anything cry. God knows I loathe that man.
Sam leaves the splinter from the AllSpark in the hands of his girlfriend, played by Megan Foxx… Very well then movie; let’s follow your standards. I’ll believe that a microwave can turn into a robot with a penis, I’ll believe that they where able to cover up the incident in Hong Kong. But you cannot make me think that Shia LaBeouf would be able to score with Megan Foxx! That’s impossible. It’s beyond impossible. I’d rather believe in God than believe in that. And the supposedly “romantic” dialogue is horrendous. If you want an example, how’s this: The first thing Megan says to Sam when he calls her is “I’m breaking up with you” as a joke. Ha-ha, very funny. I’ve broken up with girls over shit like that; it’s not the least bit romantic. Either way, how implausible it may be, we will have to accept it. Otherwise we’d be here all day.
We cut away to the Autobots going back to a military base, where we get to know some of the robots a little more. And I normally wouldn’t be against characterization of individuals in movies, but Michael Bay has brought in a pair of robots that make Jar Jar Binks seem completely normal. Skids and Mudflap, two twin robots, are supposed to be the black stereotypes of this movie, and they are probably the most racist characters I have ever seen in cinemas. They are stupid, they are loud, they talk in really stupid street-slang, they make really dumb jokes that would make the show “Yo momma” look sophisticated, and they fight each other at the slightest provocation. I wouldn’t mind this as much if it was satirical, but this isn’t satire. This is just childish humor that will only appeal to the young idiots watching this movie. And the fact that it’s going to work since little kids are the targeted audience for this movie makes me mad.
Now it’s time for another stereotype! This time it’s the annoying and surprisingly stupid and naïve man who represents the president! And of course he won’t listen to anything the army or the Autobots say because he thinks that the threat from the Decepticons is because of the Autobots. And since the only remaining part of the AllSpark is in military possession and the Decepticon-leader Megatron is secured under water (… no comment), so he wants the Autobots to leave. Optimus points out that this is extremely stupid because if he’s wrong then humanity is fucked. Which should be totally obvious to almost anyone, but since this is a stereotypic character we can’t let him be smart. I even think that Obama is said to be hiding in a bunker somewhere during this movie. Don’t we just have a great president?
Megan takes the splinter to her home while Shia goes to college. He gets to meet his new roommate, Leo Splitz, a hacker who believes in conspiracy theories and runs a website trying to prove that there are in fact robots on earth. He doesn’t even have to finish his first sentence before we all know his role in this movie: Comic relief. You’d figure we have enough of that, what with the crying mother, the two dogs humping, Skids and Mudflap, and the incredibly cheap father complaining on how expensive college is.
Leo explains that he hacked the college computer so that he could transfer all the hot girls to their dorm-hall. Hey, now that I think of it, how come there are no ugly girls in college? There aren’t even any bland girls, everyone looks like a model. It seems that Michael Bay couldn’t settle for just doing stereotypic characters, he’s doing stereotypic settings too! While Leo brags about how awesome he is, one girl steps out of her room and into the hall, and as always with a Michael Bay movie, she does so in slow-motion and with the sun shining behind her. Tons of stereotypes, CGI action that makes it almost impossible to tell what’s happening, and to top it all of, some of the most cliché editing that you’ll ever see, that’s what RotF is (and every other Michael Bay movie as well). Apparently, the babe that just stepped out in the open is the girl of Leo’s dreams, and he feels the need to tell Sam this. Well wasn’t that pointless? Sort of like this movie then.
But one of Leo’s hacker-buddies calls on him. It seems like their arch-nemesis, a guy who runs his own robot-conspiracy website, has posted a video of the robots in Hong Kong on the web before them! Sam tells Leo that he’s crazy for believing in robots (That’s coming from the right person) and leaves. He soon finds his mother outside of the college, high of hash-cookies and telling all the girls outside that it’s her boy that lives here and that he just lost his virginity. Ok, first of all…
I’m tired of these comic relief characters. We had sad mother, now we have high mother? And since when does drugs do this to you? She’s acting like she’s drunk, not like she’s high! Fortunately the father takes her away and we don’t have to see them for a while. Unfortunately, we still have to follow Sam. But for the moment, we are entertained with some robots!
A cougar-looking robot infiltrates a military bas by… uh… Jumping over the fence. The military personal sees a presence, but don’t actually do anything. The cougar drops tons of balls into the ventilation system, and the balls lead directly to the piece of the AllSpark that the military claimed was completely safe. The balls that where dropped down the ventilation system turns into another Decepticon. A really small one that makes annoying sounds, but it’s still a Decepticon. There are of course no lasers, no weapons or even cameras in the room that is supposed to guard the extremely important piece of AllSpark, so the droid just takes it. THEN the alarm goes off. Lots of military vehicles turn up with guns pointed at the entrance while a couple of soldiers open the door and walk in. The room they walk into is… The same room where they stored the piece from the AllSpark… So there is one door protecting the AllSpark from the outside? God this movie is stupid.
The little annoying Decepticon kill the soldiers on foot while the cougar shoots the vehicles. They then run away without as much as a scratch. That was exiting and breathtaking, wasn’t it? Who doesn’t like to watch the U.S. military get dominated by a robot made of balls and a huge metal cat?
At the college, Sam goes to what I guess is a welcoming party for all the freshmen, The hot chick Leo has a crush on starts to hit on Sam, and she’s about as subtle as a the two dogs fucking earlier. She even grinds on him while he’s in the chair. This scene isn’t even close to hot however, because anything involving Shia LaBeouf is ugly. They get interrupted by a 3rd grader screaming about someone parking a car in the shrubbery outside. Low and behold, it’s Bumblebee! Sam tries to make his escape from the horny bitch by getting in the car, but she follows him. She continues to hit on him, and Sam is so weak that he needs help from Bumblebee to withstand the girl. Excuse me, you’re dating one of the hottest women on earth, how can you be even contemplating on dumping her for someone else?
Lucky enough, they get rid of the horny bitch and Bumblebee drives Sam to Optimus Prime, and it’s gone from night to day. Optimus talks about how he thinks something bad is going down, but Sam has the extremely cliché “I don’t want to be part of this” speech that has already been used (in a much better way I might add) by tons of other movies, books, and TV-shows. Optimus claims that they need him more than he knows. Oh great, so Sam is the chosen one now? In the first movie he was just some kid lucky enough to score a transformers-car. Now he’s the one true savior of the world or something? Stop making the human characters seem important! They are boring, we want robots fighting!
We cut away to a boat where all the Decepticons are hiding on. They all jump into the water and get Megatron back to life with the help of the AllSpark that the cougar retrieved, and the parts of an unfortunate Decepticon. I have to note that even though they are deeply under water they can still talk to each other. And I don’t mean through radio transmissions, I mean through sound waves. Megatron is resurrected, and they fly away into space before the military can do anything. Megatron lands on a meteorite where he meets Starscream. Starscream is another stereotype, this time being the hunchback assistant of the mad scientist, with the perverted voice and all that good stuff. After slapping him around a bit, Megatron goes to inform his master, the Fallen, that the AllSpark is destroyed. But the Fallen explains that its knowledge can never disappear, and that it’s been transferred to Sam. What, because he touched the splinter? Shouldn’t that have happened to someone in the military first? Bah, plot-holes annoy me.
Now it’s time to follow Sam again, as he is having a lesson in Astronomy. His teacher is… no… no, this can’t be. His teacher is played by Rainn Wilson!
I feel like screaming out a loud “BAAAAY” in the same spirit as Shatner’s iconic Khan-moment from “The wrath of Khan”. How could you Rainn? You where such a loveable character in The Office, why would you sink to the level of a Michael Bay movie?
Apparently, Rainn is such an awesome teacher that all the college girls get wet over his mere presence. And of course there are only hot girls in the class. But Sam suddenly starts seeing visions of the strange symbols again, and starts to flip open the physics book and going through most of the pages. I say most of them because it seems like he sometimes flips more than one page at a time. He then raises his hand in the middle of Rainn’s “I’m the best at what I do”-speech, and accuses Einstein of being wrong with the formula of E=MC^2, because it only applies in this dimension and that it’s different in the 17 other dimension that exist.
I don’t know if it’s because Shia LaBeouf says this or if it’s because the science-talk sounds so implausible, but something makes it an incredibly ridiculous scene, and personally, I think it’s both.
Rainn then has some of the oddest dialogue I’ve ever heard, because he claims that he is “the Alpha and the Omega”. Did Rainn Wilson just compare himself to God? That’s surreal! But I still find it more believable than any other thing in this movie.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. The most pussy Decepticon ever tries to steal the AllSpark splinter from Megan Foxx and gets captured in a box. This is extremely pointless and doesn’t really have anything to bring to the story, so I didn’t think it was necessary to bring up.
Sam calls and tells her all about his mental brake-down, and so she immediately leaves to check up on the big baby. At the same time, the horny bitch corners Sam in his room while he’s scribbling symbols all over the place. She forces him down on the bed and starts grinding him once again. But something seems wrong… Oh look, the horny bitch has a robot tail! I knew it, because nobody could be attracted to Shia LaBeouf. Except Megan Foxx it seems. Speaking of the devil, suddenly Megan walks in on them, having traveled several miles in no time at all. Sam looks shocked, while horny bitch just gives Megan a pretentious look and asks Sam “Your girlfriend?” Megan answers with “Ex”, and leaves. Sam tries to run after but suddenly horny bitches tongue grows several feet and she tries to kill Sam with it. He screams out for help, and Leo and Megan rush into the room. The horny bitch tries to kill them, but they escape. This would be more exiting if horny bitch’s robot-look was badass, but she looks awful. It’s hard to be menacing when you look like Angelina Julie’s character from Beowulf if she was skinned, beaten with a stick and then dropped into a tank of liquid metal. And I immediately regret that rant because now I can only think about how much more I want to see either Beowulf or Terminator than this shit. I’d even watch the third one.
Sam and Megan Foxx (for those of you who don’t know, her name is Mikaela or something, but Megan is used more as an object than a person in this movie, so I’m calling her by her real name) feel like it’s a good time to argue about Sam being unfaithful. Of course Sam is a complete pussy and tries to protect himself by crying about how the huge tongue smells like diesel. Wow, what horrible and retched stench! Who could stand such an awful stench as diesel? They have their stupid dialogue some more, and then the robot catches up to them. They run away again and out on the parking lot where Megan hotwires a car. The robot walks after them (?) and catches up for a second time, but Megan kills her by hitting her with the car. I can see why the Decepticons are so scary and menacing.
But a Decepticon transformed into a helicopter with a crane captures them anyway, and it flies them over to an abandoned building. The helicopter then drops the car so that it falls from an incredibly high distance straight into the ground, but they survive because of the airbags in the car.
Did you fail at physics or something, Bay? When a car is dropped from that height with people inside it, airbags aren’t going to help. And even if they wouldn’t, the guy in the backseat doesn’t have any airbags! He’d break his neck from the impact with the car seat in front of him! I would kick your ass at science any day.
So Megatron claims that Sam has something on his mind that he wants, and lets another tiny and annoying Decepticon making irritating noises try to operate on Sam so that they can take his brain. Boy will they be surprised when they look inside his head, because Shia LaBeouf doesn’t have a fucking brain.
But Optimus Prime and Bumblebee saves the day by crashing through the roof. Sorry for braking up the action again, but how do they know that they are there? God damn all these plot-holes! Megatron runs away, and so Sam jumps into Optimus truck form and they take off while Leo and Megan get into Bumblebee so that they can escape. And I just have to add that the editing is horrible at this point, since Optimus is in his normal point in one take, and then in the next he is in the truck form. I know he transformed off-screen, but it’s really awkward to watch because it goes from Optimus directly to Sam hoping in the driver’s seat of the truck-form. You’ll understand if you see it. But Megatron gets behind Optimus even though Optimus was chasing him a moment ago (I honestly couldn’t tell because the editing is so bad), and tackles him. Optimus transforms, but we don’t get to see what happens to Sam. One moment Sam is in the truck, the next Optimus changes form while he’s driving the fastest he can, and nothing is shown of Sam getting out. Sure, a couple of seconds after that we can see Sam rolling down a hill, but once again the editing makes this really weird.
Now comes the action sequences, but surprisingly enough, they really, really suck. At least 80% of the fight is in slow motion, the shaky-cam is incredibly annoying, and there’s so much dirt and robot parts that I can’t tell what’s going on. I don’t even know which robot is which other than Optimus, because they’re all gunmetal gray.
But then comes the shining moment. There is no slow motion, there is no shaky-came, and the editing is, while not great, not bad either. The scene last for barely half a minute, but it’s good. I’d go as far as say that it’s almost kind of awesome. However, it isn’t cool enough to make up for the laser penis.
But then it becomes stupid again, because Optimus puts his guard down for one second to check if Sam is safe. Yeah, we all know what a master strategist Optimus is. Megatron manages to stab him in the back and kill him. I would do a clichéd “NOOOO” scream, but really, do you think Michael Bay has the balls to kill of Optimus Prime? I didn’t think so.
Right now we are more or less one hour into the movie, but is it just me who thinks that we could’ve gotten to this point a hell of a lot faster if we’d only cut out the humans story? Maybe not all of it, just the pointless college-scenes, some of the characters, and this movie would’ve been at a much more reasonable length.
Megatron and Starscream retreat when the other Autobots finally arrive, too late to save Optimus but just in time to save Sam. How convenient. They both land on a building in New York, where Megatron slaps Starscream around some more. I don’t remember much from the first Transformers movie, but didn’t Megatron look cooler in that one? In this film his arms are really tiny while his feet are enormous. Megatron talks about how he’s tired of hiding and wants the world to know about how the Fallen is going to kill them all. More Decepticons are called in and a fleet of military ships just happens to be right where they land. Another group of Decepticons land in France, where we get some more hilarious situations where Sam’s parents show of their American stereotypes by calling the food nasty and threatening a mime who gets to close to the fathers personal space. Luckily, they get kidnapped by one of the Decepticons and we don’t have to see them anymore.
Just kidding, they’ll be back just in time for the 3rd act. Surprised? You shouldn’t be.
The Fallen take over all the televisions in the world and tells everyone that they will have to face the wrath of the Decepticons unless they give him Sam Witwicky. And what blows my mind is that the government does what he says, and Sam becomes a wanted fugitive.
Sam, Megan Foxx and Leo are hiding out with Bumblebee, Skids and Mudflaps while the other Autobots are back at the military base, mourning the loss of Optimus. At least that’s what they are supposed to do, but when the helicopter carrying Optimus’s body arrives, it just drops him on the ground in a very humiliating way while all the soldiers walk towards him with expressionless faces in slow motion. It’s starting to look more like they’re mocking him. But suddenly, the stupid politician that speaks for the president arrives! Will he accuse the Autobots for everything involving the Decepticons? Well he wouldn’t be a stereotype if he was smart now, would he?
The stupid politician claims that the Autobots aren’t allowed to engage the enemy because they’ve caused enough damage, and instead thinks that we humans can handle the threat all by ourselves.
So when you think the Decepticons are hunting Autobots you blame them, but when it’s proved that they want to kill Sam, a human being you don’t know anything about and not the Autobots, you still blame them?
So the Autobots aren’t allowed to help anymore and Sam and the others are on their own. But Leo has an idea: They could get help from his arch-nemesis, Robowarrior. So they go to find him, hoping that he can help them enterperate the symbols that Sam is seeing. Who thinks that it’s just another comic relief? I know I do.
So they arrive at a meat-store where Robowarrior is working. They go inside and… It’s John Turturro reprising his role form the first Transformers film… Fuck.
So we go through some more painful jokes until John finally takes them to his secret basement containing lots of information about Transformers. It’s revealed that he got fired from his old job, but not before he managed to steal top-secret documents. However, Turturro is still clue-less about what to do, and says that they need to get information from a Decepticon. Isn’t it great that Megan Foxx brought the Decepticon that tried to steal the AllSpark with her?
So they make the Decepticon tell them everything he knows about the symbols, and he tells them about the seekers, a group of robots that has lived on earth for thousands of years, looking for something. I’d like to ad that he has a very stereotypical Italian-American accent, making him yet another stereotype in this movie.
So the robot happens to know exactly where all of the seekers are, and they decide to go to the closest one in Washington who is in a museum. Turturro suddenly… takes of his pants… and he is wearing a man-string… I think I’m going to pass out…
So after that… horrible scene… the group infiltrate the museum, but it’s just pointless jokes that are supposed to be humorous but are instead boring and drawn out. They wake the seeker up, but find out too late that he is, in fact, a Decepticon. Everyone tries to hide, but it proves to be pointless. Not because he is a dangerous opponent that can kill them anytime he wants, but because he is a comic relief character as well. This time it’s the old and wise but slightly crazy man stereotype. When will the stereotypes end?
So the old robot walks around, acting old and crazy. He destroys a hangar-door at the end of the hall in the museum and suddenly we are in a totally different place. There are no buildings anywhere, even though we just established that we where in Washington! The main characters catch up with him and starts to ask him questions. He explains that he changed sides to the Autobots a long time ago. Well if you can choose what side you want to be on, why would the robot with the penis laser try to kill Sam? Oh wait, it’s because Shia LaBeouf plays Sam… That makes sense!
The old robot, who is named Jetfire, teleports everyone to Egypt when he learns that the Fallen is trying to acquire the brain of Sam… There is a word for that, but I can’t really think of it… Oh, that’s right, DEUS EX MACHINA! You just pulled that one right out of your ass, didn’t you Bay? “Oh, how are we going to get the characters to Egypt? Hmm… Oh, I know, we teleport them there!”
Also, since Shia LaBeouf lost his finger in his recent DUI, Sam loses his finger in the teleportation. Subtle thinking, Bay,
Now comes a scene where once again we get to see how awful Bay is, because all that happens next is the camera flying around the characters while epic music is playing, even though they are doing nothing but talking. Jetfire explains that in the early days, the leaders of the robots, called Primes, made sun harvesters to drain energy from different stars so that they could use it for themselves. The only rule they had was to never harvest a sun at a planet that had living organisms on it. Of course, one Prime defied the rule and tried to harvest the earth’s sun, giving him the name of “the Fallen”. But the only way he could do this was with a sacred artifact called “the matrix of leadership”. So war broke out between him and the other Primes, with Decepticons following the Fallen. The other Primes new they couldn’t defeat the Fallen, so they hid the matrix in a tomb constructed by their own bodies.
Jetfire explains that only a Prime can kill the Fallen, and that Optimus can only be brought to life with the help of the matrix. He tells Sam that the symbols in his head are a map to the matrix, and that he must go and find it. I don’t know how, because he doesn’t know how to interpret the symbols, but thanks to bad script writing, it seems to work. However, the police seem to know that Sam is in Egypt even though he hasn’t shown his face to anyone. They get away for a brief moment so that Turturro can call the military base with the Autobots about their location, and they escape again.
A couple of bad jokes later, we find Megan and Sam having a romantic moment with each other. Megan talks to Sam about how she wants him to tell her that he loves him, but he realizes something and calls everyone to a meeting. I don’t think you need to know the details, so to cut things short, he knows where to look.
The military fly to Egypt with Optimus’s body and the other Autobots, but the stupid politician has decided to come with them. But the soldiers trick him into jumping of the airplane with a parachute, and we get some peace and quiet.
Sam and the others make their way to a large temple in the middle of the desert, but they can’t seem to find a way in. This is the cliché part in which the main characters feel that all hope is gone but then through an accident they find their goal anyway. In this movie, the accident takes form of Bumblebee shooting a hole in the wall when trying to stop Skids and Mudflaps from fighting. Sam crawls into the hole and finds the matrix. Hurray! But the matrix turns into dust in his hands. Boo!
But Sam hasn’t given up hope yet, and puts the dust in a little pouch he just happens to have, and they run away to rendezvous with the military, hoping that they still can bring back Optimus.
Now it’s time for the final battle! After one hour and 45 minutes it’s finally time for the showdown! But wait… there is more than half an hour left of the movie… are you telling me that the battle will last for that long?
Yes… yes it is… God I hate this movie.
Tons of Decepticons with no known names drop in and start to shoot at everyone. But the Autobots and the military have already prepared for the encounter, and a massive battle ensues. However, the battle sucks, because it’s mostly from the perspective of the military with brief glimpses of the robots fighting.
Leo and Turturro say with Skids and Mudflaps to fight of a giant robot while Megan and Sam run off to find Optimus. Bumblebee has disappeared for no apparent reason, but comes to save the day at the last second. And Sam’s parents are in Egypt as well… Lets not dwell on that for too long. After what is supposed to be a tear jerking moment, Sam’s father lets Sam run to save Optimus.
The giant robot that’s fighting Turturro, Leo and the twins fails spectacularly when he doesn’t even manage to kill one of the annoying robots. Instead he gets his ass kicked and retreats to a pyramid so that he can uncover the sun harvester for the Fallen. But Turturro has followed the robot, and successfully gets into contact with one of the aircraft carriers out at sea. He talks the captain of the ship into using their new prototype weapon called the “Rail gun” against the giant robot climbing the pyramid. And the giant robot… has testicles…
I hope you burn in hell, Michael Bay.
The military fire the rail gun and kill the giant piece of scarp metal. Good riddance.
But now comes the best part of the movie! This scene makes up for almost everything we have previously seen. Are you ready for it?
Sam dies! WOHOO! Finally! This is the greatest moment in movie history! And it’s so hilarious to watch that I actually laughed in the theater. That scene makes me so happy I could cry with joy. Although you wouldn’t notice that because I’m already crying from the pain this movie has caused me. And it’s not over yet…
It’s bad for a movie to have a Deus ex machina, since it’s so cheap and stupid that it takes away almost any credibility. But the teleportation is nothing compared to this.
First we have the cliché scenes where everyone close to Sam is crying and mourning his death. Then comes the dramatic music that drowns their cries so that we can’t hear a word they’re saying. Then come the slow motion and the part where they are trying to bring Sam back to life. Everything looks hopeless.
But it isn’t. Because Sam is in robot heaven… Yeah, you read that right. Sam has gone to robot heaven where the Primes tell him that he has earned the power of the matrix because… I don’t know, because the script say so I guess. Apparently Sam is the chosen one, which makes no fucking sense because in the first movie it was just dumb luck that he got Bumblebee.
How could this be a good idea? This is by far the worst Deus ex machina I’ve ever experienced! And the worst part is that they bring him back to life! All the pleasure of watching Shia die disappeared with this scene.
So Sam wakes up, and the first thing he does is tell Megan he loves her. How sweet and utterly pointless. Then he stabs Optimus with the rebuilt matrix, bringing him back to life once again. But we don’t get much time to savor his return, because the Fallen steals the matrix and activates the sun harvester. But it has to charge before it can destroy all of mankind, go figure.
Jetfire sacrifices himself to give Optimus the power to defeat the Fallen, and our robotic hero is equipped with new toys. This could actually be a cool scene, with a satisfying climax that could at least make up for some of the horrible moments in this film. But it’s not, not even close. Optimus flies over to the Fallen, destroys the sun harvester with one single blast, and then defeats Megatron and kills the Fallen in less than two minutes.
It’s finally over, after all this time it’s finally over. I have no idea of how I survived, but I did.
This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen! No, wait, I’ll go beyond that. This IS the worst movie I have ever seen. There is nothing more awful than this film. Pearl Harbor was a masterpiece compared to this; I’d watch Eragon twice before even considering watching this again. This movie hurt more than Twilight. This is stupid, this is horrible, this is… It’s so bad that I have to use a word so foul and evil to describe it that God would banish me to hell instantly for using it.
Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen is #£@/]é!
Oh yeah, the word is that bad.
Review of Twilight
If you would ask me to summarize the Twilight series with one single word, I would answer your question with a profanity so disgusting and horrible that your dead ancestors would feel offended. But if you would pressure me for a more mature response I would probably go with “marketable”. There is nothing special about Twilight; it’s everything you would expect from a romantic novel about vampires. And that’s why it’s so bad. Stephene Meyer has actually done the impossible by making an original concept feel unoriginal. The moment you start reading Twilight you know how it’s going to play out: Girl meets vampire, girl and vampire falls in love, other vampire who likes to chew on tasty teenagers tries to eat girl. There isn’t any plot twist in the whole series that surprised me even a little. You can really tell that Stephene Meyer didn’t care about having a fresh and original story; she just wanted a reason to put all her wet dreams about vampires on paper. And that’s basically why Twilight sells so much. A romance with a handsome and mysterious vampire is probably on every girl’s wish list. But it’s so obvious that it’s insulting. The main character Bella has little to no personality, just so that as many teenagers as possible can be immersed in the story. Even the setting is groomed for this sole reason, as Bella starts of with moving in to a new city, with no friends living there, something that’s not just one of the most overused plot devises ever, but it also makes it painfully obvious that the author didn’t want Bella to have un-immersive talks with her old childhood friends. And when you are trying this hard to be immersive, you should start to think of a new career.
I’ll try to go over the story as quickly as possible so that I won’t get a seizure from the utter stupidity that Stephene Meyer calls the plot for Twilight. Isabella “Bella” Swan moves in to a new town to live with her father because her mother is a huge bitch normal American person that abandons her child so that she can go on tour with her new husband who apparently is a minor league baseball player. Bella then starts going to her new school, where she gets a strange amount of attention even though she has the personality of cardboard. Ok, that was a little harsh of me. At least cardboard can be useful for something. However, when Bella finds herself sitting next to a pathetic emo mysterious young man named Edward Cullen, she is treated like dirt, as Edward seems disgusted by her (which I find very plausible). But of course it turns out that he’s just getting the munchies after smelling her blood, because he’s a vampire.
Now hold it for one minute! What in the name of everything that is holy is a vampire doing at a local high school? Forgive me if I’m ignorant in the ways of how vampires work, but isn’t sunlight, something that is frequently present during the day time, supposed to be lethal for vampires?
Well Stephene Meyer hasn’t really understood that you can’t just do whatever you want with a fictional race that already has several established characteristics and powers. So I now present to you: the vampires of Twilight, the most pussified (yes, that is a word) vampires ever. Instead of dying from sunlight they sparkle when subjected to it (and I almost torched a daycare center when I found that out), instead of being weakened by religious artifacts they have nothing to do whatsoever with the origins of real vampires (I refuse to call the vampires in Twilight real vampires). Instead of doing as any decent human being would and be true to the vampire race she completely re-writes everything about them, just so that even more gullible teenage girls will scream in excitement when they think about it.
I’m sorry, but I can’t go on anymore. I know there is a lot of story left to cover, but I can’t take it. Basically what happens is that Edward saves Bella from a horrible accident (read. Plot convenience) and then we are subjected to chapter after chapter with Bella narrating to us why her new vampire boyfriend is the best boyfriend ever, and she does it in that pretentious “I have a boyfriend and you don’t” way that really pisses me off.
To top it all of, Stephene isn’t a good author at all. I’ve seen better writing from 14 year olds writing fan fiction online, and I would rather run a mile with a sandpaper-thong than read fan fiction. Even Stephen King thinks she is horrible, and even had this to say about her: "Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."- Talking about the differences between J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer
Do I need to say more? When Stephen King says she sucks, no army of teenage girls can convince me otherwise. And I agree with Stephen King: It was physically painful for me to read Twilight. When the entire concept of Twilight is exploiting girl’s weakness to vampires, you need an impartial source to analyze it to really see if it’s any good. And I’m not against great love stories. I love romance when it’s handled correctly. But this isn’t romance. This is a girl’s wet dream, and it’s selling because of that.
It pains me to see how low literature has sunken. Just thinking about Twilight makes me want to run to my bookcase and read “Tales of Belgariad”, a much better series of books (R.I.P. David Eddings, you will be missed). Even Eragon was a godsend compared to this. Twilight is everything I hate about things that are mainstream, and because of this series I now hate the MTV-generation more than I hate the Star Wars prequels.
But is my review going to stop anyone from reading Twilight? Probably not, but I like to think that somewhere out there, a poor and confused soul will listen my warning and stay away from this retched work of Satan. And if I can just save that one person, I will be satisfied. Until then, I’ll have to do my best to get my opinion heard.
Welcome to Armageddon reviews- where the mainstream comes to die
It's a brand new day filled with pain and suffering as I browse the internet looking for things to entertain me. The search is going quite horrible as the only things I can seem to find is pictures of Lolcats and extremely inane videos on youtube where people speak in a language I like to call "Fuckish", where they rely on profanitys to carry their humor through 5 minutes of screaming. Newsflash: Just because you say fuck 10 times in one sentence does not make you funny!
I can't watch tv because every channel on the planet is tainted by the evolution of the MTV-generation, so whenever I watch tv I can only choose from:
Watching Top Model
Watching So you think you can dance
Watching Idol
Watching re-runs of old and unfunny Simpsons episodes
Watching MTV
Watching Hanna Montana or any other stupid show on Disney Channel that brainwash the youth into becoming blonde tramps that only care about fashion and boys.
Even Discovery Channel has that stupid, mysoginistic show Brainiac where we watch big breasted girls blowing shit up in bikinis. And when Discovery Channel are using sexism to gain viewers, something has gone wrong.
So here I am, forced to endure the stupidity that todays society has come to, with MTV telling us what to think, Hollywood producing shitty movie after shitty movie, and white people dressing up and talking like black people. Well no more! Not for me! I may not be able to stop the average world-IQ from sinking faster than Paris Hilton's self-respect, but god damn it, I will not go down without a fight!
So I kindly introduce you to my latest blogg: Armageddon reviews- where the mainstream comes to die. Catchy ain't it? Here I will ventilate my eternal hatred for todays society on the abominations that we are all constantly subjected to. So without further ado: Let the pain begin!
